LLAINWIRE TALKS ABOUT EMBRACING STRUGGLE, FINDING PEACE THRU CHAOS
LONDON-BASED artist NIALL
aka lLAINWIRE expresses hIMSELF about MUSIC, personal LIFE AND PHILOSOPHY.
By Clarisse Prévost
Hey Niall, how are you feeling these last days ?
I feel like a big reset in myself, I feel refreshed, especially since I went to Paris. That trip is quite hopeful.
Yes, why ?
Cause I’ve been used to staying inside and working without really interacting with anyone. For a couple of years, I just been so insular, doing my art practice, crazy hours. If there were some event, or just meeting friends, I would always dodge it to be like « I need to make this thing ».
Just recently, I took my head out in the world a bit. Making stuff is great but I also want to establish a community, see the world, and be outside. That was nice because I decided to go the day before, I went by myself, met some people, it felt serendipitous.
More spontaneous. And you got out of your comfort zone.
Yeah. Basically, I got myself out of my comfort zone and it feels quite good. Being uncomfortable is rewarding.
“Being uncomfortable is rewarding.”
In your daily life, do you need a lot of time alone ?
That’s how I was before, but now I want to be 50/50. I used to be 95/5. I really like my own space but I feel it is always limiting, because I was only focusing on my own thing. It feels nice to open up my mind to those possibilities. And you create new things, so that’s what I’m doing this year, opening up myself.
You grew up in Bristol. How was it, what’s about your memories ?
It was pleasant in terms of culture but to be honest, I really wanted to escape the city. If I hadn't grown up there, I would have loved it visually, how people present themselves, how they have such a deep understanding of themselves. But it’s a small city, it has a town energy, so everyone knows each other, and each other’s information. There’s always a mutual friend. If you leave the house, you'd bump into someone. Everything is just so interconnected and that might hold you back. Because if someone has an idea of you, someone’s like « oh I know you from school, you were like this ».
They set this idea for you and keep it forever.
They keep it so they’re like « oh now you’re this thing ? ». It was the main issue. I was doing this art thing and it felt really hard to find a like minded group of people. So I was taking the coach, the megabus to London to meet people from the internet. I like Bristol for what it has given me, in terms of culture and identity, but it’s also been a place I was happy to leave. Now looking back, I can respect the experience that I had, I feel like it made me who I am. I still love Bristol.
What type of child and teenager were you ? What were you into ? I’m asking this because of the singular video game, anime, cyberpunk aesthetic of you ?
Childhood was quite rough. My mom was a single mom, so money was always kind of tight. I didn’t get to have the usual family things : holidays, visiting family members. It was me, my mom and my siblings. Video games were a way to escape reality and its class dynamic. I remember going to this primary school, being from where I am from, I realized there was a gap with the people. I could not really connect with them. I’ll go to their family house and see how different they live. Family was a big part of their life, they had a lot of support.
I was pretending I was in a different reality. Video games felt for me almost like performance. You know you’re playing on the playgrounds pretending you’re this character ? That was my way of pretending. When I moved to this primary school where it was so hard to make friends, I felt like the way I made friends was like pretending when I was playing video games at home. Even if I was not playing so much online. That was my way of connecting. I was lucky because my mom used to work at Blockbusters, so we rent games for free. We got all these games for free, at least that was something we had.
“Video games were a way to escape reality and its class dynamic.”
That was your privilege. The sci-fi aesthetic also comes from it or also from books, literature or something ? A bit dystopian.
That was. And I got them the day they were released. I also used to watch anime on the family computer. Maybe fighting games, I was really into that to the point I was doing tournament games in my city. I was under age but I would just lie. I thought I was really good, but they were kicking my ass. Sometimes they would tell me “if you win, I’ll buy you a drink”. I didn’t know what to say cause I was like, “what drink ?Recently I’ve been into books.
What have you been reading ?
This book called Neuromancer, by William Gibson. It’s like a fiction, a novel, really good one. My favorite is Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson, another sci-fi author. The term « metaverse » came from that book. I would never use that word now.
So when, how, music came into your life ?
My mom was a singer. She was super talented, in the 90’s jungle era. But you know the old tale of « they’re getting a record deal and then they blow the money ». I don’t even think she got credited for anything, she didn’t see a penny. I was tapped into the music really early hearing her singing, but I didn’t really get properly into music after seeing videos. The first one I saw was from Underworld, a track called « Born Slippy ». It was in Trainspotting. Then I saw Aphex Twin’s « windowlicker ». Really electronic stuff first, Gorillaz, then hip-hop came after cause my brother used to « spit », he was in the grime. Early mid 2000, grime was just kind of bustling; and everyone used to freestyles and get cameras out. He put me onto J Dilla, Chief Keef, Madlib, MF Doom.
And what these recommendations from your family lead you to dig on your own ? Did you educate yourself on other genres ?
Yeah, then I started making beats. My mom would not let me bootleg anything cause we got one computer for the whole family. We had this windows thing with a back, but at least we had that. Her brother, my uncle, used to make beats, so he had ableton. I’d kept begging, so we went down to Manchester. And eventually, like just before he passed, he gave me the ableton crack. I was like 14, I was obsessed with making beats. From making beats I’d discover distinct genres, looking for samples, so I was digging 60’s and Motown, soul, j-pop shit, lots of different places, old records.
So when did you start rapping and recording your own voice ?
As my brother rapped, I used to free style on instrumentals. Those tracks are on private on Soundcloud. I was really inspired by all that era : XXXTentacion, Trippy Red, Lil Uzi Vert. My beats were crazy, maybe better technically than they are now, but the vocals, I didn’t know what to do.
Is that why you’ve been waiting til this year 2023 to release music ?
No, I was just more like « keep going ». I wanted to be a musician but I was homeless when I was really young, like 17, 18, so I needed to make money. I didn’t finish my Sixth form, didn’t get my A Levels. I needed a full time job to live, pay every single thing cause I was not living with my mom. At the time, I didn't know anything about marketing my beats so I just started making videos. I knew I could make quick money by doing that.
It worked ?
The money was not great but it got me here. I am glad it got me to a point of making art.
What about painting ? I saw you used to paint.
Painting was me tryna find a bit more of myself. Though, I still like painting. I just started painting to express myself a bit more, especially after doing all the video stuff. The practice I have now is just like that, thanks to that. Even though I was painting, it was very analog, it was kind of my way to get into the digital stuff a bit more.
So it’s not something you want to pursue ?
No I think it’s still something I’m passionate about but I needed a break because the whole « art world » felt very fake, especially from the background I was from. It was not nurturing my soul, being in these spaces where nobody looked like me; no one understood my experience and I’m like selling my experience to people who don’t understand and are like « wow, this is beautiful », feels really…
Inadequate.
Yeah. In the music thing, I can be more natural to myself. I had to code-switch so much, even coming to London, I feel like I lost a bit of my identity. I had to code-switch to get into certain environments, especially art school. I didn’t even know about these universities when I was in Bristol. University was like something you don’t do. So, it just felt fake.
“If I am not fucking with something, I talk or take action, that’s my biggest moral.”
You left ?
I was gonna drop off but finally did it till the end and graduated. The main benefit is that I did not have to work 40 hours a week, only 8 hours, so.. I would focus on making stuff.
Let’s talk about your music. « Casca »’s your first track. So you like your crazy girls, like them bad.
Hahaha, cause’s you know there’s this anime, Psycho Pass, but I was tryna say, I fuck with people who are struggling with their mental health.
You think they’re deeper ?
Yeah, in a sense. It’s something I’ve been struggling with that for a long time. This year is the first time I got to see a therapist. I always think, if I were in the anime, I would be fucked. I’d be like, they would kill me, I’d be passed the 200 crime coefficient. My psycho pass would be good now, that’s what I was saying. For me, I feel like a lot of people are called crazy but it’s not a negative thing, quite demeaning, so I looked at it from an anime perspective and if we were in this anime, a lot more people would be looked at as crazy.
What’s your biggest life morals ?
My biggest morals is just standing up for what I believe in, and not be a back-stander. I hate bystanders. I hate people that just watch something happen, and they just sit there and then they talk about it after. If I am not fucking with something, I talk or take action, that’s my biggest moral.
And what’s your personal heritage ?
My mom is Jamaican and Scottish and my dad is Jamaican and Italian. Technically they’re both mixed but to me, I’m black. And I’ve never been to Scotland, never met any family.
Do you feel close to your Jamaican roots ?
Yes, that’s the biggest thing to me. I know a lot about Jamaican culture. I don’t know anything about Scottish and Italian. I’ve never been to Jamaica, but I want to go. I just know I have family here, how to cook some dishes, a bit of patois.
You talk a lot about facing demons. What does it really mean to you ? How do you do that in a concrete way ?
For me, that means to be accepting it and almost being proud of the scars, the traumas you experienced, rather than trying to mask them. That’s what I talk about in « Bleed », being homeless. It was always something I tried not to talk about, now I’m happy to.
You used to be ashamed or you just didn’t want to remind yourself ?
Yes, totally. I was ashamed because people would judge. It was embarrassing, especially that I was 18, everybody was like « yea, come around mine whatever ». Some would say I got strict parents » whereas I didn’t even want the person to come there..
I lived in a hostel, or on my friend’s sofa, that’s embarrassing. People looked down on it.
What about now ?
I face my demons by putting them in my work, that’s why I reference Silent Hill a lot. I didn’t really understand it as a kid, even now, I’m quite shook, this game really scares me. But I started to realize that that game is more about these characters that are ashamed of some traumas and they can’t get over. So these monsters manifest as their traumas and their actual physical monsters look scary, like they could harm them, but actually they’re just imagining it. They’re imagining this place that does not really exist. So I started looking at the world a bit like that.
Sometimes the traumas come up and you’re imagining things that are not happening. It’s like fear, like a ghost. That’s why in my videos I got some of these monsters. Some people think it’s apocalyptic but for me it’s more like haunting.
« Maybe I’m trying to find peace within the chaotic things, the past, present, future.»
Do you look for peace ?
I don’t know, I'm not really trying to find peace. I don’t think it exists. Do you ?
I don’t think you can be in a constant, permanent state of peace but I think you can find ways to be something like 70% of the time, peaceful.
I feel like you can find peace within the chaos. That’s how I was living for a bit recently, almost like a traumatized cat. It doesn't matter how many years go by, how good the owners treat the cat, they’re just gonna be petrified by some noises. There’s nothing you can do.
I was kind of living like that, where it’s just like « oh If I remove all the things that can create trauma, I’ll be okay », but you’re still traumatized. Maybe I’m trying to find peace within the chaotic things, the past, present, future, all the craziness. Find peace through accepting, instead of removing the bad shit and isolating.
“A nicer future would be a future where things would be a lot more non binary. With gender, class, groups, more fluid.”
What do you dream about ?
Change the world a bit, making it more non-binary. With my art and my music, I want to inspire next generations to be more accepting of themselves and other people. It felt so restricting as a kid, it seemed like everything was a fight to be yourself. That’s why I really like digital, and avatars, because you can choose. Anyone can be anything, it seems like ultimate freedom. A nicer future would be a future where things would be a lot more non binary. With gender, class, groups, more fluid. That’s why on my videos I’m always morphing from digital to physical, I am trying to show this sort of fluidness between these two realities.
In a future where people would have more free-will. In their personality, in what they’ll allow themselves to do, and be.
Yeah. I’ve been to Bristol’s roughest school but before I went to a predominantly white school with higher class kids. What I saw was that they’re not different, they’re not better, but I felt like when you were in a lower class school, your path was set : either you’re a footballer, a rapper, or you sell drugs, or you become a drug addict. I would love a future in which kids don’t feel locked into those things.
In « Bleed » you say you had to kill your older versions, what version did you kill for which upgraded version of you ?
It’s more like, my inner child had to kill my older self, myself today. I was saying sorry to myself, cause I understand why I am the way I am today but I have to let that go, let my inner child flourish again, as my inner child did not get to flourish. To me, the music I make embody the child’s energy, just « write whatever, fuck, I’ll just make these lyrics ».
You want to make dance music ?
Yea ! I made some tracks but I just been sitting on. I wanna make some jersey.
I read you wanted to do less niche, do something more accessible now.
Yeah, but more on the way I’m presenting it. I know it sounds crazy but I don’t actually think the music is the most important. I realize that with painting. It’s not only the visual painting.
It’s all you, they want to see how you dress, how you talk.
It’s like, for example, if Carti drops any sort of music right now, any type, it’s because people know Carti, it does not matter what sounds he drops now, he could start doing some country music, people are still gonna give it a go. Because they fuck with him.
It’s also kind of that with painters. For example, Picasso at the end, at 76, was fucking about. But nobody really cares about him fucking about because he understood himself so much at the moment, that it did not matter anymore what the fuck he was doing. It’s so super subjective. So, as long as the music represents me…
I want everything to feel like a hobby again. Even the music, I want to do it for fun.
You wanna help people, in a way.
Yeah, I don’t just want to be doing cool and technically good things. I am not gonna switch up the music, I feel like I’ve been a 100% myself in the music I’ve been making, it’s just more the way I’m presenting it. Even in my personality, I was not being very open.
Only until recently. I was not trying to open up to a community, or trusting people, or even doing this interview we’re doing today, cause you know « you need to focus on the work, that’s all that matters and that’s all I’m worth, that’s my worth ».
What do you like to do with your downtime ?
I’m currently figuring out. I’ve definitely been too workaholic. The only thing I would say would be playing old video games. And reading books. I want to get back into painting, cause I can feel that it can be a hobby again. I want everything to feel like a hobby again. Even the music, I want to do it for fun.
What music are you listening to right now ?
Just before you came I was listening to american rapper Autum,! Also, kanii, he made this jersey song called « I Know ». Bawo, he’s sick. But to be honest, recently I haven’t been listening to music that much, like actively. Also, the last Young Thug album.
Do you have a personal motto ? A sentence that gives you strength.
My mom used to say, “where’s there a will, there’s a way”. So every time I have a problem, I’m like « oh fuck » and then « where’s there a will, there’s a way » I always say it in my head.